Asphyxiate

Dear Diary: It's not dead.

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 02:38:00 -0400

It was just feeling a little notsome for a while. =/

Funny word of the moment: Shma-shmortion. =D

4 weeks until college. WOW. I need to start spending my time a bit wiser. Zomg, Sahana! It will be hard for me to help run the guild while I’m concentrating on classes and such. :( I didn’t even think about that. >.< But I’m sure I can do it! :D I love ya.

I’m going college clothes shopping thursday with Brittany and Laura. It should be fun. We’re going to eat pancakes and probably go to Ross’s, maybe TJ Max. I hope there won’t be a strain there. I’m upset with Brittany for ditching me numerous times… I even got my keys locked into my car and stuck with Jesse at the lake.. where she was supposed to meet us. -_- And Laura… well things are usually tense there anyways. Otherwise, I’M VURY EXCITED! *happy dance*

Uhm.. shout out to Sahana: You are wonderful at creating things in photoshop. And you are beautiful. You have an amazing personality. Don’t stop being made of awesome. ;)

It’s 12:40 AM. I am extremely awake. O.o Watching Knocked Up while goofing off on internets. Hooray! =D ZOMG! Second funny thing: I really should picking my nose, look what happened. *cut to man with bloody nose and exploded back of head* ROFL. You should watch The Ruins. It’s good. Scary. And in the special features they have “Creeping Death” and the guy who gets shot saying the nose thing. My sister and I couldn’t stop gigglesnorting.

Enough rambling for now. Byebyes! ~Elaine!

Dear Diary: I killed this website.

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 17:17:47 -0400

Yea, it’s dying.

Dear Diary: Jealousy

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 01:09:39 -0400

Jealousy is such a strange thing.

Why are we jealous?

~Elaine.

Dear Diary: Content

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 15:04:48 -0400

My goal for this summer is to learn how to be content with what I have. Therefore hopefully, I’ll be much more amiable, kind, and most importantly content. I’ve come to this decision because I know I’m going in for a heartbreak this summer. I don’t want it to affect me. But, I don’t want to ignore it. Because we all know how that concludes…bottling my emotions is not good. So, here’s to be content. Even if you’re not. I’ll find all the little things that make me smile and focus on the good, not the bad.

Dear Diary: Frustrated.

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 18:23:39 -0400

I’m so frustrated. I can’t do anything. I feel horrible and sick and lazy all the time. I want to go out and my parents are my only barrier. Usually parents are the ones who force their Internet obsessed children to go and explore the outside world. So how come my parents won’t let me do anything. Fuck, I hate it. It irritates me to no end. It’s not like i don’t know how to take care of myself. I’m a wrestler. If all else fails kick them in the family jewels? It’s not even like I can say anything to make them change theirminds. I try to be an exceptional daughter. But, it’s bloody fucking frustrating. I do everything I can to make their lives easier. Can’t they repay the favour? No. They have to be assholes. They are making crazy. They are driving me to the edge. They make me want to go and do something drastic. Like pierce my eyebrow or get a tattoo. I totally should. Maybe then, they’ll realize. How much they’ve fucked me in the head.

Dear Diary: What's been bothering me.

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 23:28:20 -0400

The fact that I’m leaving for college has made me sensitive. I’m not going to see my boyfriend for a long time. Of course, I’ll see him on short breaks, and during the summer. But basically I’m going to be gone for the next four years.

So - the fact that Nate and I don’t talk very much / about anything important, and all the little things he does that annoy me, mixed with my sensitivity/worry built into an insecurity that I am not as funny or smart as his ex, Miranda.

That caused me to be angry with him, without exactly knowing why. I only just figured it out recently.

I am one bothersome obsessive insecure stupid little needy whiny girl.

*sigh*

-Elaine.

Dear Diary: Hows this for lack of actviity...

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 19:29:58 -0400

I make up for my lack of blogging. By posting a bunch of blogs that contain my thoughts and feelings from my vairous moods. If you can’t tell. I’m quite moody.

Dear Diary: Patience is what I was named after.

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 15:00:58 -0400

So how come I lack any sort of patience what so ever.

Fuck, I’m such a fuckin failure.

Grr.

Dear Diary: I'm Pathetic

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 14:50:00 -0400

I typed his number. All I have to do is press the talk button.

But I can’t do it…

I’m such a failure. Oh so pathetic. God damn. I should do it.

I will…hopefully?

Dear Diary: askfhasklfhksdhgjksa

Sat, 05 Jul 2008 22:17:00 -0400

I stay up waiting only to be disappointed. I wait only to be disappointed. What is the use? I give up. This isn’t supposed to make me feel worse. I need a salvation. I thought you were mine. But, you’re driving me insane. I give up. I’m done. I can’t deal with this anymore. I’m done.

I’m finished.

Dear Diary: Love

Sat, 05 Jul 2008 14:52:20 -0400

How do you know when you’re in love with someone? How do you know that a person is right for you to spend the rest of your life with? Are they someone you are willing to wake up next to every morning? Are they someone whose hand you won’t mind holding even when you are furious mad at them? Love changes as you hold on to it, evolves over the years spent with that person. Are you someone who can appreciate that love, even if it takes you in an unexpected direction?

Too willingly are people throwing themselves at each other. Marriage is as common as divorce. Why is humanity so willing to admit they are in love, only to have it ripped away from them in the sudden realization that they weren’t in love with that person; they were simply infatuated with the idea of what that person represented. I’m saying this generally; this doesn’t apply to everyone. Just the idea that so many people are killing what the original definition of love was; is the future going to bring about the death of what true love is? What it means?

Can you look someone in the eye and tell them that you love them without having any doubts, jealousies, grudges? Can you unconditionally give your heart to someone, even if they turn away? Can you keep on loving, even through the mistakes and arguments that have been made through your relationship?

Can you say you truly love?

~Elaine.

Dear Diary: Blegh.

Fri, 04 Jul 2008 15:26:00 -0400

I got my room mate information in the mail!! Hurrah! *excited dance* :) Her name is Jessica, and she’s from Oregon. Hmm. I hope she’s nice. I’m going to email her. But I’m not sure what I should say. =/

Today is the 4th of July. Yay. Happy independence day. :) I’m not sure what I’m doing, my family hasn’t talked about it at all. Or anything. Which is unusual. I’ll have to bring it up to my dad.

Last night I talked to Laura and Nate at the park. Actually it was in the afternoon. I was angry, but most of my anger had burnt out by the actual time I got to talk to them. And so it didn’t go like I had originally planned. (Am I putting the blame on my emotions rather than taking control? Oh shit.)

Blegh. I told them both to stop with the comments. I didn’t really get to say what I wanted to to Laura. It was awkward. Everyone was just staring and quiet. I was like nuurrrrr.

I’m just going to pull myself out of the crap. Oh yeah, and am I still taking control? ~Elaine

"Fat thighs, no ass, no tits. Bony, scrawny, clothes never fit just right. Shy, insecure, and..."

Fri, 04 Jul 2008 13:28:00 -0400

“Fat thighs, no ass, no tits. Bony, scrawny, clothes never fit just right. Shy, insecure, and hopelessly romantic.”

- Me (Sahana); describing myself to Elaine.

Dear Diary: Yay

Fri, 04 Jul 2008 13:25:00 -0400

My glasses are here. I have no way of picking them up but I’m going to go and get them and be the most happiest girl in the world :D.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?!1 NEW PICTURES, HECK YES D:.

Oh BTW, yesterday was fun. Went job hunting and applied to a bunch of places and I’m going to go again this Saturday:). I can’t wait D:. I’m so excited :). I have a pretty good feeling though. I filled out like 5 applications. Go me :). But, I don’t know where I’m going to get a job. I have my preferences but, it doesn’t matter. Everyone accepted my resumes except for 2 stores :D. That’s good, so yay.

In other news I seriously have to do some serious memorizing before class for today. Crap. I’m such a procrastinator. But, if teacher believes in me. Then I can do it, right? Even though I don’t believe in myself…

But, meh, that’s to be expected I’m quite a pessimist.

Oh, I also went bike riding with my friend Stephie. My brother came along too. But, he ditched me and I got in trouble because he came home alone and I’m supposed to watch him. Grr. Honestly no one is going to hurt him. For fear of me. I’m pretty intimidating :P. But, heh. I won’t let that ruin my day.

Have a splendid day everyone :)

~ Sahana

Dear Diary: Good Morning

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 12:44:00 -0400

*yawn*

Last night was fun. After playing two hours or so of Guitar Hero, I came back online and talked to Nate for a bit. He went to bed around 6:20-ish, probably take away a little. Anyways, Brittany came online at about 6:40, and told me she was going to the movies with her boyfriend Sean and lots of other people.

I DIDN’T invite myself, rofl, but I did say, “You should come over here and get me and we can play at the park.” Then a moment later I changed my mind, “Can I hang out with you guys?” So see, I was polite about it. :D

Anyways when I met her at the park she had something interesting to tell me:

Brittany: OMG, I haven’t seen you in forever!
*insert squeals and hugsies*
Brittany: So Laura told me something.
Elaine: Oh rly, lyke what?! Zomg we’re at the park WHEE!
Brittany: She said that Nate doesn’t let you hang out with your friends because he makes you feel guilty and that he hates all of your friends.
Elaine: OH MY FUCKING GOD. What?!
*insert intense rant that lasts about 45 minutes and includes lots of screaming and “I can’t believe her.”*

As you can see, OBVIOUSLY Laura took the liberty to outright LIE to my friend about my boyfriend. I am very angry about it. I’m going to confront Laura (whenever she decides to unblock me from msn, or I run into her somewheres), and I believe there is going to be some serious kind of falling out between friends.

Damnit.

Stupid.

People.

Can’t.

Trust.

ARGH!

So anyways. :) I didn’t get my room mate information in the mail yesterday, so I’m gonna be waiting impatiently for the mail to get here today. I just realized something was well. Here I am, ranting my little heart out, and I only just woke up about 40 minutes ago. It’s not good to A) Start the day out as a pissed off shennanigan, and B) You guys don’t really care about this stuff. It’s my drama, and you probably have tons of your own drama to deal with.

LA LA LA LA LA.

I promise my next post will be more reflective than this one. I just wanted to post the official story before it begins to get fuzzy in my mind.

Lurff, the kerazy betch, ~Elaine

Dear Diary: I have an addiction

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 10:54:31 -0400

So my sister unplugged the Internet on me while I was having such an intriguing conversation. Grr. Oh well. I’m sure I wasn’t greatly missed. But, curiosity did kill the cat. So I’m curious to know what they talked about but I will never know.

I woke up at 7:32 a.m. today. I had no bloody reason too. Other than the fact that it was freezing and I was practically naked. Not good. It’s hilarious, really. The Earth changes it weather almost as frequently as my moods. How ironic.

By the way, I think I’m bi-polar. Oh an guess what. I’m not very good at English. Look it’s just a journal. No deep thinking stuff. Just pure rambling thoughts.

Enjoy dissecting and analysing.

I wonder how you’d describe me to your friends.

Oh, my gf, she’s crazy, acts like a little kid, and I can’t think of anything else to say. Oh yeah, why am I with her?

Jesus. I’m going crazy. But, you seem fine. Hm. Makes me wonder. Maybe I’m just a tad bit too infatuated by your physical appearance? This reminds me. Elaine, oh my gosh. I love you but, some stuff need to be said. I don’t even remember how it came to this discussion but we discussed or rather Elaine proclaimed his nose is way to big for appreciation. Which of course made me go and look at some pictures and realize this as well. Makes me wonder why I don’t notice things like others do? First thing I noticed was the eyes not even the contacts. You don’t need pretty coloured contacts, your eyes are pretty enough.

Enough rambling… Later days.

~ Sahana

Dear Diary: Fuck.

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 16:06:58 -0400

Lately life’s been hectic. Or it’s just me… making it hectic. I have so many issues. I swear I am one fucked up child. I wish I could restart with all my memories intact. Become a better child, sister, friend. Sometimes I feel like i’m not good enough for people. Okay, thats how I feel most of the time.

Man, I’m going insane, and you seem just fine. I don’t know anymore.

A relationship at 17 isn’t important. It’s just for fun?

Why did I get myself into this.

I was fine. Perfectly fine. But not anymore.

~ Sahana

Dear Diary: So!

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 12:34:00 -0400

I’m uber friggin’ excited because I got an email in my college inbox saying that my room mate information was going to be mailed the week of July 1st. AND on their website it was posted (I’m not sure if it was yesterday or the day before) that the letters had been sent out!! ZOMGYAY! I really hope I get the info today. I’m so excited to see who I’m going to be living with for the next 8 months or so. :) I’m also nervous because I don’t want to be stuck with someone… totally unlike me. =/ You know what I mean.

Anyways!

Just wanted to tell you how much I’m anticipating this. :D Love ~Elaine

P.S. - It’s still raining.

Dear Diary: A Little of Me [Rambling]

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 19:38:00 -0400

I am a wordy person. I like words, and I use them a lot. Too much. Is it possible to overuse language? Where it may take someone a sentence, maybe two to describe something and get their point clearly across - I have to write paragraphs, go back and edit, add things, follow wandering thoughts, etc. I don’t know if that is necessarily a bad thing; it just is.

In the past that wordiness has made me feel like I’m inferior; like I couldn’t think things through well enough and just state them. No. Instead I pause every three words to think about a new though, or finish an unformed one. Ugh. I realize now that that is okay.

Maybe it makes me have a wider mind, more tolerant for different ideas. I find myself contradicting my own statements, and this may lead to even greater discoveries about myself. Hmm, anyways.

It’s hot out today. I ate a carton of raspberries, drove my car for the first time since graduation, and washed my car as well. For the first time. I haven’t talked to Nate yet. I wonder what he is doing. Maybe I will call him. :) Also I am debating on whether to call Brittany and seeing if she would like to do something. There is some potential funness. Oh yes, and I have been looking at Twilight clips from the movie as well. I am very excited for the movie! 12.12.08! =D

Maybe I will not get a job this summer and will simply eat cookies, excercise, camp, swim, and work on my book. That is not a bad idea. Except for the boost of confidence and the money I will be missing out on. Sigh.

I am planning on going on a roadtrip with two of my girl friends. Probably to Washington. We could visit Forks, the place where Twilight takes place. And visit other tourist attractions. Just us three goofing off together. It would be fun, and something to do before I leave for college. Before we all begin our real lives.

Well that’s enough of me. Hasta Manana! ~Elaine.

Dear Diary: Not in the mood for blogging.

Fri, 27 Jun 2008 21:12:00 -0400

Today was a good day. I went to work with my dad, and finally got legal tires on my car. And renewed the insurance for the next two months. I sure am going to drive the hell out of my car before I leave to college in August.

It was fun hanging around the guys. Meaning Stevie, Johnie, and my dad. Plus 15 minutes of hell with Justin. >.< They’re all perverts, but Justin is just a jackass.

Haha, “Get the damn bitch on a stretcher and give the skank an IV.” Also: “Old snaggletooth was checking you ouuuut!”

It was a good day, overall. I actually felt like my life was going somewhere!

Muahahaha, college soon, the world next! :D ~Elaine.