Last night I had a dream that I got a little kitten who was orange and white, and then she turned a really really dark gray, almost black, with one white leg. I named her Doria Gray. What’s that supposed to mean?
Yesterday I hung out with my boyfriend. It was fun, even if I’m boring and usually can never come up with fun ideas of stuff to do. Oh well. At Borders he told me that when we were having a tough time - when my friend Laura was telling me about how he still liked his ex, and everything was “hell” between us, he thought it was hot. He thought the tension was hot. And it makes sense, because when we are getting along it seems… well, just kinda blah, not blah because I love him, but blah as in normal and boring. But when we were arguing I seemed much more attracted to him. Like we were magnets, pulling each other together.
What the hell? How does that even make sense? Ever since he told me that, I’ve been thinking about it nonstop. And thinking over the past my actions and feelings, I realize that somehow my subconscious agrees with his idea. How strange.
So now I’m trying to think of ways to spice our relationship up. I realize he wants me to be more controlling, and even though I am not a very controlling person most of the time, I noticed that when I become controlling, he in turns becomes more confident/controlling. Which I like. Of course, I’m not talking about bad controlling, as in, “You can’t hang out with your friends.” But more like, “We’re going to go do this.” It’s a more comfortable controlling, because I know I can say no to it. Understand?
Ugh. Current problem: drama by Laura. She called me yesterday, and I wasn’t going to answer the phone. First of all, it’s rude to be talking to her when I’m hanging out with him. Secondly, I hate talking on phones, period. And third, I just didn’t feel like talking. Kay?
So Nate wanted to answer the phone. Stupidly, I let him. I know they don’t like each other. Every time they see each other it’s, “I’m going to kill him/her.” Sigh. On the phone he told her that I didn’t want to talk to her, and this got into ‘I didn’t like her,’ so on and so forth. She hung up. Later she was mad when I told her I didn’t want to talk. She didn’t care about that so much as, “If it was my boyfriend doing that to my friend I would have punched him.” ARGH. Well, that’s you Laura. I prefer to NOT piss my friends off. Of course, that seems unlikely seeing as how pretty much my friends dislike him. Because of Laura. Great, just great.
Best course of action I have thought up so far: stop sitting back and being passive about it. I should have realized this at first, but I didn’t. Now though, it’s going to be, “Stop it. Now.” Damnit.
I’m such an introverted, passive person most of the time. I am content to sit back and observe and analyze my friends. Because of that, they seem to hardly know me. Laura most of all. Brittany second. Porsche probably knows me best. That’s of my friends in real life. *pokes Sahana* You know me well too. :) *HUG* I love ya.
Anyways, that now is seeming to come back and kick me in the butt, so I need to start being more demanding, outspoken, controlling, and blunt. I guess, in a way, that brings me to improvation of invidivual number two.
2. I will speak my mind, and stand up for what I believe, and do whatever the hell I want.
I think that covers it. Right? Talk to me if you have suggestions for any of this crap. Thanks! ~Elaine.
[Edit] P.S.- Laura wrote this to Nate:
Nate. I don’t know why you’re such a terrible and awful person, but you seem to spread your negetivity like a rat spreads disease.
You wanted me to stay out of your relationship with Elaine, and I have. So stay out of our friendship.
I think you’re awful for Elaine - I think you’re awful period. But I’ve gotten over it, and I’ve gotten over attention-whoring negetive assholes like you.
